Alter Ego

Have you ever looked back a situation and thought to yourself, what if? What if I would have said this & that instead of walking away? What if I walked up to that person at the end of the bar & introduced myself? What if I said yes instead of no?

"What if?"

Every one has asked themselves what if, probably over a thousand times. But what 9 out of 10 people don't realize, is that they had every opportunity to make that "What if?" into a "Why the fuck not!" Majority of people are too scared to realize that they can speak exactly what's on their mind. Maybe they're scared of rejection, maybe their scared of a negative outcome... but mostly people are just scared in general. People think to themselves "I would never say or do that." but hellllooooo you're obviously thinking about it, so why not just say/do whatever is on your mind! Life is too short to live with what if's and regrets. Trust me, you're going to regret everything you DIDN'T do more than something you did.

So here's some advice for you, that I'm passing along from a good friend at work... Create an alter ego for yourself. Make your alter ego into someone that's bold, daring & isn't scared to express themselves. Hell, even give your alter ego a name. For example, Jen might be too scared to straight up ask Aaron why he stopped talking to her all of a sudden, after having such a great time hanging out with each other the past 2 weeks... but Jasmine will cut straight to the point & ask Aaron "what the hell is going on?" Jen might not want to show vulnerability & open up an area of her heart that will most likely be crushed again... but Jasmine needs to know if she's wasting her time. Jen might be too scared to show interest in Aaron when all signs point to Aaron not being interested in her anymore... but Jasmine doesn't care about the signs, she deserves to know if this guy likes her so she's going to ask him to hang out again. Jen might play on team safe where the game goes into never ending innings... but Jasmine gives her players 3 strikes & moves on to the next game.

Your alter ego can come out whenever you want them to. There's no rules or a list of do's & don'ts. You can even blame things on your alter ego. "Sorry Abi, Jasmine wanted that 5th shot of Jamison last night, not Jen." or "Jasmine didn't want to sleep alone last night so she spent the night with her ex boyfriend, don't worry, Jen is going to lecture her later." Every one needs an alter ego. So whether you use your alter ego to blame your mistakes on something or to say whats on your mind... at least your one step closer to living your life with less regrets than you were yesterday.

It's been a while.

Look, I haven't sat down & wrote a blog in a long, long time. So I have a feeling that this post is going to be all over the place, so if there's someone reading this please be patient with me. I feel.. lost. Dazed and confused. I don't know how to snap out of this, I've never been this far gone. I can't even begin to explain or pin point a specific situation or time that it got this bad. Sometimes I just want a friend that I can sit down and bare all to, but even when the time comes to have a heart to heart with a friend I hold so much back. Plus I don't like showing my vulnerability side. But there's so much that's been bothering me lately I had to find a way to talk about it, even if I'm just talking to myself.

The first thing is, re-reading all my old posts makes me realize two things, one I still haven't moved on with my life in any aspect & two, the years are seriously starting to blur together. Things that happened in 2010 feel like just happened 2 weeks ago. But then again something else that happened in 2010 I feel like happened 5 years ago. It's so weird. I get so mad & upset when I realize that I haven't changed anything in my life in YEARS. I've been seriously thinking of going to talk to a therapist or something, maybe they will be able to help me make the changes I need to make. At least they'll listen to me, even if I am paying them to listen to me talk.

I've come to realize that I'm so afraid of change and getting close to someone that will most likely leave me has seriously effected me in ways I never thought could be altered. I'm extremely scared of commitment. I will chase after a guy I know will not give me 2 minutes of his day because I feel like that's the best thing for me. Heaven forbid if a guy that wants to date me starts showing that he's catching serious feelings for me, I will run & I will push that guy out of my life so fast & so far away there wont ever be a chance for an "us" in this life or the next. I haven't had a serious boyfriend in like 5 years. That's a long ass time.. A LONG ASS TIME. It's hard to have had love in your life for so long, then have to learn to live without love in your life when all you want is to have love in your life. Did that even make sense? I'm sick and tired of being alone.

I get annoyed when my friends get too close to me and want to know every detail about my life. I can't even post something on twitter without IMMEDIATELY getting asked about it. Like, I feel like I'm being smothered. And when I get annoyed by someone I push them out of my life. I hate that I can so easily, and effortlessly push someone out of my life. Someone that I talk to every day that I consider to be my best friend & I just wake up one morning & decide that I don't want them in my life anymore so I take them out of my life... I mean seriously, that can't be normal. I've been trying desperately to not let myself push anyone else out of my life & I've recently tried to re-kindle some friendships with no luck, but no hard feelings from my end. I wouldn't wanna be friends with me again either.

There's plenty of other things that have been bothering me, but thankfully all this writing has made me really tired. I haven't been sleeping good recently. Insomnia has taken over my nights, so I'm definitely going to take this opportunity of tiredness I'm feeling any try to go to sleep. Fingers crossed that my mind doesn't race a mile a minute.

Dear John errr I mean "friends."

“Why did you delete your Facebook?”

Because I’m tired of reading the statuses about how Facebook is gonna start charging if you don't put this as your status for a full 24 hours, repost this if you’re a good mother/daughter/friend/etc, it’s too cold, it’s too hott, omg it’s raining, Monday already?, its been a bad day, I'm at work then lunch then beers, go "lebron backstabber james." I’m tired of reading incomplete thoughts “So I bought a new cell phone.” “I’m so pissed off!” "I give up." I read enough of all that on Twitter already.

And lastly, I’m done having a social networking site to keep in touch with “friends.” If you really were my friend, you’d know that I use twitter daily, that I check into foursquare.. I have a Tumblr & this blog.. And shockingly I have a cell phone that accepts incoming calls & text messages.

My life is being consumed with Facebook and Twitter. So I decided that Facebook drew the short straw & I deactivated my account. I kept Twitter cuz it's a release for my thoughts & actions through out the day. And I still have tumblr :)

Change comes faster than the seasons.

I dont open up to things and/or people because they never stay in my life the way they came into it.

And right now I'm in another transition, by myself. Again.

I hate change.

Does a picture say 1000 words?

Tonight, my ex sent me a picture of his kid. But no description, no text before or after.. just a picture of his kid in a huge ass truck tire. It was a really cute picture, I'll give him that. But when I'm NICE and respond "that's a great picture, you should print it out & frame it, it's cutesy." and he STILL doesnt say anything back?! What's the damn point behind that? All I did was text him earlier to ask him what Cherry Bombs are (when it comes to trucks & exhausts, which he told me makes the exhaust sound louder) but WHY send me that picture 4 hours after the fact? Was it by mistake? I highly doubt that. Was it to rub in my face that he has a kid, which he named MY name I picked out for OUR future son? I don't think so. Was it because he's a proud father? It's probably that one. But why, send it to ME? And why couldn't I respond with a smart ass response like "I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that cares about your life." And lastly, why am I laying here in bed unable to fall asleep.

With each day that goes by I forget something else about my past. I've buried it so deep that I don't think I'll ever remember anything from a few years ago. Even the good memories. I wish I had new, better memories to replace the old ones with.. but I don't.

I'm the most weak, way too nice & the biggest push over around.

JailBreak!

I've recently jailbreaked my iPhone4! It's the most easiest, yet complicated process I've ever come across of with technology. Installing the "app" that allows me to jail break my phone is the easiest thing ever. However, customizing it to my likings is the tricky part. All I wanted it for was to change my fonts & icons. I don't care to do anything else. There's "apps" in there to hide incoming texts, phone calls & pictures.. you can change your ID name/number to show up differently on someone elses phone, get free itunes, etc. You get the jist of it. I added some pictures to this post so you could see what my iPhone looks like. I wubb it! xoxo

My homescreen!


Twitter! ;)



Contacts


Facebook!


Text Messages :)

Ryan Gosling, The Red HOT Ruffian!

Alright, so I have this slight obsession when it comes to Ryan Gosling these days. And I totally blame the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love." Have you seen it?! You should! Boy is mighty fine, and the movies cute too! Plus I have a major girl crush on Emma Stone. She's probably the only red head that makes me feel all warm & tingly inside. Haha okay, down to bidness.. I came across this story on PerezHilton.com and I just had to share it with the rest of the world! Enjoy that ganster yumminess.


Have mercy!!!

Our hands are up! Where's Ryan Gosling's pistol at?! (Mmmm!!!)

Ryan was spotted on the set of his new movie yesterday, The Gangster Squad. In the flick, he plays a cop in the 1940s trying to track down and nab notorious mob boss Mickey Cohen, who will be played by Sean Penn. In case you were wondering, Emma Stone gets to tap that again as his love interest.

Some girls have all the luck!!!

[ image via famepictures / perezhilton.com ]