Look, I haven't sat down & wrote a blog in a long, long time. So I have a feeling that this post is going to be all over the place, so if there's someone reading this please be patient with me. I feel.. lost. Dazed and confused. I don't know how to snap out of this, I've never been this far gone. I can't even begin to explain or pin point a specific situation or time that it got this bad. Sometimes I just want a friend that I can sit down and bare all to, but even when the time comes to have a heart to heart with a friend I hold so much back. Plus I don't like showing my vulnerability side. But there's so much that's been bothering me lately I had to find a way to talk about it, even if I'm just talking to myself.
The first thing is, re-reading all my old posts makes me realize two things, one I still haven't moved on with my life in any aspect & two, the years are seriously starting to blur together. Things that happened in 2010 feel like just happened 2 weeks ago. But then again something else that happened in 2010 I feel like happened 5 years ago. It's so weird. I get so mad & upset when I realize that I haven't changed anything in my life in YEARS. I've been seriously thinking of going to talk to a therapist or something, maybe they will be able to help me make the changes I need to make. At least they'll listen to me, even if I am paying them to listen to me talk.
I've come to realize that I'm so afraid of change and getting close to someone that will most likely leave me has seriously effected me in ways I never thought could be altered. I'm extremely scared of commitment. I will chase after a guy I know will not give me 2 minutes of his day because I feel like that's the best thing for me. Heaven forbid if a guy that wants to date me starts showing that he's catching serious feelings for me, I will run & I will push that guy out of my life so fast & so far away there wont ever be a chance for an "us" in this life or the next. I haven't had a serious boyfriend in like 5 years. That's a long ass time.. A LONG ASS TIME. It's hard to have had love in your life for so long, then have to learn to live without love in your life when all you want is to have love in your life. Did that even make sense? I'm sick and tired of being alone.
I get annoyed when my friends get too close to me and want to know every detail about my life. I can't even post something on twitter without IMMEDIATELY getting asked about it. Like, I feel like I'm being smothered. And when I get annoyed by someone I push them out of my life. I hate that I can so easily, and effortlessly push someone out of my life. Someone that I talk to every day that I consider to be my best friend & I just wake up one morning & decide that I don't want them in my life anymore so I take them out of my life... I mean seriously, that can't be normal. I've been trying desperately to not let myself push anyone else out of my life & I've recently tried to re-kindle some friendships with no luck, but no hard feelings from my end. I wouldn't wanna be friends with me again either.
There's plenty of other things that have been bothering me, but thankfully all this writing has made me really tired. I haven't been sleeping good recently. Insomnia has taken over my nights, so I'm definitely going to take this opportunity of tiredness I'm feeling any try to go to sleep. Fingers crossed that my mind doesn't race a mile a minute.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Dear John errr I mean "friends."
“Why did you delete your Facebook?”
Because I’m tired of reading the statuses about how Facebook is gonna start charging if you don't put this as your status for a full 24 hours, repost this if you’re a good mother/daughter/friend/etc, it’s too cold, it’s too hott, omg it’s raining, Monday already?, its been a bad day, I'm at work then lunch then beers, go "lebron backstabber james." I’m tired of reading incomplete thoughts “So I bought a new cell phone.” “I’m so pissed off!” "I give up." I read enough of all that on Twitter already.
My life is being consumed with Facebook and Twitter. So I decided that Facebook drew the short straw & I deactivated my account. I kept Twitter cuz it's a release for my thoughts & actions through out the day. And I still have tumblr :)
Because I’m tired of reading the statuses about how Facebook is gonna start charging if you don't put this as your status for a full 24 hours, repost this if you’re a good mother/daughter/friend/etc, it’s too cold, it’s too hott, omg it’s raining, Monday already?, its been a bad day, I'm at work then lunch then beers, go
And lastly, I’m done having a social networking site to keep in touch with “friends.” If you really were my friend, you’d know that I use twitter daily, that I check into foursquare.. I have a Tumblr & this blog.. And shockingly I have a cell phone that accepts incoming calls & text messages.
My life is being consumed with Facebook and Twitter. So I decided that Facebook drew the short straw & I deactivated my account. I kept Twitter cuz it's a release for my thoughts & actions through out the day. And I still have tumblr :)
Change comes faster than the seasons.
I dont open up to things and/or people because they never stay in my life the way they came into it.
And right now I'm in another transition, by myself. Again.
I hate change.
And right now I'm in another transition, by myself. Again.
I hate change.
Does a picture say 1000 words?
Tonight, my ex sent me a picture of his kid. But no description, no text before or after.. just a picture of his kid in a huge ass truck tire. It was a really cute picture, I'll give him that. But when I'm NICE and respond "that's a great picture, you should print it out & frame it, it's cutesy." and he STILL doesnt say anything back?! What's the damn point behind that? All I did was text him earlier to ask him what Cherry Bombs are (when it comes to trucks & exhausts, which he told me makes the exhaust sound louder) but WHY send me that picture 4 hours after the fact? Was it by mistake? I highly doubt that. Was it to rub in my face that he has a kid, which he named MY name I picked out for OUR future son? I don't think so. Was it because he's a proud father? It's probably that one. But why, send it to ME? And why couldn't I respond with a smart ass response like "I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that cares about your life." And lastly, why am I laying here in bed unable to fall asleep.
With each day that goes by I forget something else about my past. I've buried it so deep that I don't think I'll ever remember anything from a few years ago. Even the good memories. I wish I had new, better memories to replace the old ones with.. but I don't.
I'm the most weak, way too nice & the biggest push over around.
With each day that goes by I forget something else about my past. I've buried it so deep that I don't think I'll ever remember anything from a few years ago. Even the good memories. I wish I had new, better memories to replace the old ones with.. but I don't.
I'm the most weak, way too nice & the biggest push over around.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
JailBreak!
I've recently jailbreaked my iPhone4! It's the most easiest, yet complicated process I've ever come across of with technology. Installing the "app" that allows me to jail break my phone is the easiest thing ever. However, customizing it to my likings is the tricky part. All I wanted it for was to change my fonts & icons. I don't care to do anything else. There's "apps" in there to hide incoming texts, phone calls & pictures.. you can change your ID name/number to show up differently on someone elses phone, get free itunes, etc. You get the jist of it. I added some pictures to this post so you could see what my iPhone looks like. I wubb it! xoxo
My homescreen!
Twitter! ;)
Contacts
Facebook!
Text Messages :)
Ryan Gosling, The Red HOT Ruffian!
Alright, so I have this slight obsession when it comes to Ryan Gosling these days. And I totally blame the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love." Have you seen it?! You should! Boy is mighty fine, and the movies cute too! Plus I have a major girl crush on Emma Stone. She's probably the only red head that makes me feel all warm & tingly inside. Haha okay, down to bidness.. I came across this story on PerezHilton.com and I just had to share it with the rest of the world! Enjoy that ganster yumminess.
Have mercy!!!
Our hands are up! Where's Ryan Gosling's pistol at?! (Mmmm!!!)
Ryan was spotted on the set of his new movie yesterday, The Gangster Squad. In the flick, he plays a cop in the 1940s trying to track down and nab notorious mob boss Mickey Cohen, who will be played by Sean Penn. In case you were wondering, Emma Stone gets to tap that again as his love interest.
Some girls have all the luck!!!
[ image via famepictures / perezhilton.com ]
Have mercy!!!
Our hands are up! Where's Ryan Gosling's pistol at?! (Mmmm!!!)
Ryan was spotted on the set of his new movie yesterday, The Gangster Squad. In the flick, he plays a cop in the 1940s trying to track down and nab notorious mob boss Mickey Cohen, who will be played by Sean Penn. In case you were wondering, Emma Stone gets to tap that again as his love interest.
Some girls have all the luck!!!
[ image via famepictures / perezhilton.com ]
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Dream Land.
Have you ever woke up from a dream & thought, "was that a dream or did that really happen?" That never happens to me. When I wake up from a dream, I just lay there in shock like "why in the world would anyone dream that!!?" This morning was no different. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought to myself where does my mind come up with these things. Went back to sleep, woke up pretty happy & then drifted back into sleep but when I woke up for work I wasn't happy anymore. I sat there like "What. The. Eff."
Surprisingly I still remember a lot of vivid details about my dream from last night. So let me break it down for you. The first part of my dream starts out with me & a friend driving on dirt roads in the country side, looking for my house. Now the friend I'm with is faceless to me, I don't recongize the person but I'm okay with that. It's like I've known them my whole life. Then boom I'm no longer driving, instead I'm in this huge dining room type room the size of a hall. The ceilings are extremely similar to the Sistine Chapel. The whole room is like that, I remember walking through looking at everything, all the details in the walls, supporting poles & ceiling. How high the ceilings were, how much detail was in the art work, the colors were bright but you could tell that it still that look that it's 1000 years old. Someone else was in there. I don't remember seeing them, I just remember knowing that there was someone else in the room & that we were talking to each other.. for some reason my mind was telling me that it could of been my mom.
The next parts are kind of blurry now, but somehow I was now in a living room laying in a pull out couch bed with Vinny from Jersey Shore. There was other people in the living room as well, but I couldn't tell you who exactly. We were all playing card games. After a few games every one left but Vinny, he stayed the night. We woke up the next morning & just lounged around being lazy. Couldn't tell you the stuff we talked about though. Then later in the night a few of my friends came over. The only person I can actually make out is my friend Nick. Every one else are just faceless blurs. Me, Nick & Vinny were standing in the living room where the pull out couch is & we're just talking away when a group of people walk through & there's a lady talking. She's telling every one history facts about the house & I realized that it's a tour to my house. Once they walked out of the room, me & Nick decided it'd be funny to try & scare them. Vinny left at this point (& unfortunately never comes back in my dream.)
So me and Nick run through an old fashioned kitchen. And when I say old fashioned, I mean old stoves that you could only find in a plantation house in Alabama in the 1800s. Just like the one pictured below.
The kitchen led to some wooden stairs that spirled upstairs to the second level. At the landing inbetween the floors was a fake wall that would open like a sliding glass door. We were standing in there, waiting for them to come down the spiral stairs when we heard them all walking down the steps. We jumped out & screamed "rawr" but with no luck. No one got scared. It was extremely unsuccessful. After our attempt at a scare, I decided I wanted to walk upstairs into the attic. I walk by a coffin that was almost glowing, I didn't give it any second thoughts as I walked by though. It was like it was supposed to be there & it was supposed to be glowing?! Then suddenly, my mom popped into my dream & said "lets go shopping." We walked into a room in the attic where there was a tall mirror (sorta like the one from the Harry Potter movies - the Mirror of Erised.) It was a gooey mirror which led into "another world" that was actually more like a Sam's Club or BJ Wholesale but it was of peoples items that they discarded and/or didn't want anymore. So the idea of it, was sorta like a yard sale but set up like a Sam's club. I was running around snatching up anything that was baby related. Toddler seats, high chairs, baby blankets, car seats.. this is everything I was hauling around getting ready to purchase. Then out of no where I see my mom running around like Speedy Gonzales & for some reason I realize that this is a trap, that we're under a spell & it's making us lose sense of time. So I dropped everything I was hauling around and I frantically went to go find the gooey mirror so I could jump through it to take me back to my house.
Now if any of that isn't weird already, the ending of my dream is the kicker. Remember that glowing coffin in the attic? Well when I jumped back throught the gooey mirror, the coffin was no longer glowing. The lid was half on, half off & I could see inside the coffin.. it was empty. The rest of the dream is pretty blurry, everything happened so fast. After I realized the coffin was empty I was suddenly in a frantic panic & started running around the house. I went from the attic to the basement where I was looking out a basement, block window & saw the "creature" that was hunting me. He looked like a cross of the warewolves from the Underworld movies & the Army of Anubis from The Mummy Returns, fully equipped with the axe/sword thing. After I saw the "creature" I woke up, got ready for work & ran out the door. And I can still remember that dream, even weeks after it happened. (This blog took about 2 weeks to successfully write out.) Below are pictures from the 2 movies that my "creature" looked like. He seriously looked just like the warewolf from the Underworld movies, but had all of the army gear & weapons that the warrior from the Army of Anubis in the Mummy Return. Check out the below pictures.
Warrior from the Army of Anubis
Warewolf from the first/second Underworld
Surprisingly I still remember a lot of vivid details about my dream from last night. So let me break it down for you. The first part of my dream starts out with me & a friend driving on dirt roads in the country side, looking for my house. Now the friend I'm with is faceless to me, I don't recongize the person but I'm okay with that. It's like I've known them my whole life. Then boom I'm no longer driving, instead I'm in this huge dining room type room the size of a hall. The ceilings are extremely similar to the Sistine Chapel. The whole room is like that, I remember walking through looking at everything, all the details in the walls, supporting poles & ceiling. How high the ceilings were, how much detail was in the art work, the colors were bright but you could tell that it still that look that it's 1000 years old. Someone else was in there. I don't remember seeing them, I just remember knowing that there was someone else in the room & that we were talking to each other.. for some reason my mind was telling me that it could of been my mom.
The next parts are kind of blurry now, but somehow I was now in a living room laying in a pull out couch bed with Vinny from Jersey Shore. There was other people in the living room as well, but I couldn't tell you who exactly. We were all playing card games. After a few games every one left but Vinny, he stayed the night. We woke up the next morning & just lounged around being lazy. Couldn't tell you the stuff we talked about though. Then later in the night a few of my friends came over. The only person I can actually make out is my friend Nick. Every one else are just faceless blurs. Me, Nick & Vinny were standing in the living room where the pull out couch is & we're just talking away when a group of people walk through & there's a lady talking. She's telling every one history facts about the house & I realized that it's a tour to my house. Once they walked out of the room, me & Nick decided it'd be funny to try & scare them. Vinny left at this point (& unfortunately never comes back in my dream.)
So me and Nick run through an old fashioned kitchen. And when I say old fashioned, I mean old stoves that you could only find in a plantation house in Alabama in the 1800s. Just like the one pictured below.
The kitchen led to some wooden stairs that spirled upstairs to the second level. At the landing inbetween the floors was a fake wall that would open like a sliding glass door. We were standing in there, waiting for them to come down the spiral stairs when we heard them all walking down the steps. We jumped out & screamed "rawr" but with no luck. No one got scared. It was extremely unsuccessful. After our attempt at a scare, I decided I wanted to walk upstairs into the attic. I walk by a coffin that was almost glowing, I didn't give it any second thoughts as I walked by though. It was like it was supposed to be there & it was supposed to be glowing?! Then suddenly, my mom popped into my dream & said "lets go shopping." We walked into a room in the attic where there was a tall mirror (sorta like the one from the Harry Potter movies - the Mirror of Erised.) It was a gooey mirror which led into "another world" that was actually more like a Sam's Club or BJ Wholesale but it was of peoples items that they discarded and/or didn't want anymore. So the idea of it, was sorta like a yard sale but set up like a Sam's club. I was running around snatching up anything that was baby related. Toddler seats, high chairs, baby blankets, car seats.. this is everything I was hauling around getting ready to purchase. Then out of no where I see my mom running around like Speedy Gonzales & for some reason I realize that this is a trap, that we're under a spell & it's making us lose sense of time. So I dropped everything I was hauling around and I frantically went to go find the gooey mirror so I could jump through it to take me back to my house.Now if any of that isn't weird already, the ending of my dream is the kicker. Remember that glowing coffin in the attic? Well when I jumped back throught the gooey mirror, the coffin was no longer glowing. The lid was half on, half off & I could see inside the coffin.. it was empty. The rest of the dream is pretty blurry, everything happened so fast. After I realized the coffin was empty I was suddenly in a frantic panic & started running around the house. I went from the attic to the basement where I was looking out a basement, block window & saw the "creature" that was hunting me. He looked like a cross of the warewolves from the Underworld movies & the Army of Anubis from The Mummy Returns, fully equipped with the axe/sword thing. After I saw the "creature" I woke up, got ready for work & ran out the door. And I can still remember that dream, even weeks after it happened. (This blog took about 2 weeks to successfully write out.) Below are pictures from the 2 movies that my "creature" looked like. He seriously looked just like the warewolf from the Underworld movies, but had all of the army gear & weapons that the warrior from the Army of Anubis in the Mummy Return. Check out the below pictures.
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