Alter Ego

Have you ever looked back a situation and thought to yourself, what if? What if I would have said this & that instead of walking away? What if I walked up to that person at the end of the bar & introduced myself? What if I said yes instead of no?

"What if?"

Every one has asked themselves what if, probably over a thousand times. But what 9 out of 10 people don't realize, is that they had every opportunity to make that "What if?" into a "Why the fuck not!" Majority of people are too scared to realize that they can speak exactly what's on their mind. Maybe they're scared of rejection, maybe their scared of a negative outcome... but mostly people are just scared in general. People think to themselves "I would never say or do that." but hellllooooo you're obviously thinking about it, so why not just say/do whatever is on your mind! Life is too short to live with what if's and regrets. Trust me, you're going to regret everything you DIDN'T do more than something you did.

So here's some advice for you, that I'm passing along from a good friend at work... Create an alter ego for yourself. Make your alter ego into someone that's bold, daring & isn't scared to express themselves. Hell, even give your alter ego a name. For example, Jen might be too scared to straight up ask Aaron why he stopped talking to her all of a sudden, after having such a great time hanging out with each other the past 2 weeks... but Jasmine will cut straight to the point & ask Aaron "what the hell is going on?" Jen might not want to show vulnerability & open up an area of her heart that will most likely be crushed again... but Jasmine needs to know if she's wasting her time. Jen might be too scared to show interest in Aaron when all signs point to Aaron not being interested in her anymore... but Jasmine doesn't care about the signs, she deserves to know if this guy likes her so she's going to ask him to hang out again. Jen might play on team safe where the game goes into never ending innings... but Jasmine gives her players 3 strikes & moves on to the next game.

Your alter ego can come out whenever you want them to. There's no rules or a list of do's & don'ts. You can even blame things on your alter ego. "Sorry Abi, Jasmine wanted that 5th shot of Jamison last night, not Jen." or "Jasmine didn't want to sleep alone last night so she spent the night with her ex boyfriend, don't worry, Jen is going to lecture her later." Every one needs an alter ego. So whether you use your alter ego to blame your mistakes on something or to say whats on your mind... at least your one step closer to living your life with less regrets than you were yesterday.

It's been a while.

Look, I haven't sat down & wrote a blog in a long, long time. So I have a feeling that this post is going to be all over the place, so if there's someone reading this please be patient with me. I feel.. lost. Dazed and confused. I don't know how to snap out of this, I've never been this far gone. I can't even begin to explain or pin point a specific situation or time that it got this bad. Sometimes I just want a friend that I can sit down and bare all to, but even when the time comes to have a heart to heart with a friend I hold so much back. Plus I don't like showing my vulnerability side. But there's so much that's been bothering me lately I had to find a way to talk about it, even if I'm just talking to myself.

The first thing is, re-reading all my old posts makes me realize two things, one I still haven't moved on with my life in any aspect & two, the years are seriously starting to blur together. Things that happened in 2010 feel like just happened 2 weeks ago. But then again something else that happened in 2010 I feel like happened 5 years ago. It's so weird. I get so mad & upset when I realize that I haven't changed anything in my life in YEARS. I've been seriously thinking of going to talk to a therapist or something, maybe they will be able to help me make the changes I need to make. At least they'll listen to me, even if I am paying them to listen to me talk.

I've come to realize that I'm so afraid of change and getting close to someone that will most likely leave me has seriously effected me in ways I never thought could be altered. I'm extremely scared of commitment. I will chase after a guy I know will not give me 2 minutes of his day because I feel like that's the best thing for me. Heaven forbid if a guy that wants to date me starts showing that he's catching serious feelings for me, I will run & I will push that guy out of my life so fast & so far away there wont ever be a chance for an "us" in this life or the next. I haven't had a serious boyfriend in like 5 years. That's a long ass time.. A LONG ASS TIME. It's hard to have had love in your life for so long, then have to learn to live without love in your life when all you want is to have love in your life. Did that even make sense? I'm sick and tired of being alone.

I get annoyed when my friends get too close to me and want to know every detail about my life. I can't even post something on twitter without IMMEDIATELY getting asked about it. Like, I feel like I'm being smothered. And when I get annoyed by someone I push them out of my life. I hate that I can so easily, and effortlessly push someone out of my life. Someone that I talk to every day that I consider to be my best friend & I just wake up one morning & decide that I don't want them in my life anymore so I take them out of my life... I mean seriously, that can't be normal. I've been trying desperately to not let myself push anyone else out of my life & I've recently tried to re-kindle some friendships with no luck, but no hard feelings from my end. I wouldn't wanna be friends with me again either.

There's plenty of other things that have been bothering me, but thankfully all this writing has made me really tired. I haven't been sleeping good recently. Insomnia has taken over my nights, so I'm definitely going to take this opportunity of tiredness I'm feeling any try to go to sleep. Fingers crossed that my mind doesn't race a mile a minute.

Dear John errr I mean "friends."

“Why did you delete your Facebook?”

Because I’m tired of reading the statuses about how Facebook is gonna start charging if you don't put this as your status for a full 24 hours, repost this if you’re a good mother/daughter/friend/etc, it’s too cold, it’s too hott, omg it’s raining, Monday already?, its been a bad day, I'm at work then lunch then beers, go "lebron backstabber james." I’m tired of reading incomplete thoughts “So I bought a new cell phone.” “I’m so pissed off!” "I give up." I read enough of all that on Twitter already.

And lastly, I’m done having a social networking site to keep in touch with “friends.” If you really were my friend, you’d know that I use twitter daily, that I check into foursquare.. I have a Tumblr & this blog.. And shockingly I have a cell phone that accepts incoming calls & text messages.

My life is being consumed with Facebook and Twitter. So I decided that Facebook drew the short straw & I deactivated my account. I kept Twitter cuz it's a release for my thoughts & actions through out the day. And I still have tumblr :)

Change comes faster than the seasons.

I dont open up to things and/or people because they never stay in my life the way they came into it.

And right now I'm in another transition, by myself. Again.

I hate change.

Does a picture say 1000 words?

Tonight, my ex sent me a picture of his kid. But no description, no text before or after.. just a picture of his kid in a huge ass truck tire. It was a really cute picture, I'll give him that. But when I'm NICE and respond "that's a great picture, you should print it out & frame it, it's cutesy." and he STILL doesnt say anything back?! What's the damn point behind that? All I did was text him earlier to ask him what Cherry Bombs are (when it comes to trucks & exhausts, which he told me makes the exhaust sound louder) but WHY send me that picture 4 hours after the fact? Was it by mistake? I highly doubt that. Was it to rub in my face that he has a kid, which he named MY name I picked out for OUR future son? I don't think so. Was it because he's a proud father? It's probably that one. But why, send it to ME? And why couldn't I respond with a smart ass response like "I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that cares about your life." And lastly, why am I laying here in bed unable to fall asleep.

With each day that goes by I forget something else about my past. I've buried it so deep that I don't think I'll ever remember anything from a few years ago. Even the good memories. I wish I had new, better memories to replace the old ones with.. but I don't.

I'm the most weak, way too nice & the biggest push over around.

JailBreak!

I've recently jailbreaked my iPhone4! It's the most easiest, yet complicated process I've ever come across of with technology. Installing the "app" that allows me to jail break my phone is the easiest thing ever. However, customizing it to my likings is the tricky part. All I wanted it for was to change my fonts & icons. I don't care to do anything else. There's "apps" in there to hide incoming texts, phone calls & pictures.. you can change your ID name/number to show up differently on someone elses phone, get free itunes, etc. You get the jist of it. I added some pictures to this post so you could see what my iPhone looks like. I wubb it! xoxo

My homescreen!


Twitter! ;)



Contacts


Facebook!


Text Messages :)

Ryan Gosling, The Red HOT Ruffian!

Alright, so I have this slight obsession when it comes to Ryan Gosling these days. And I totally blame the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love." Have you seen it?! You should! Boy is mighty fine, and the movies cute too! Plus I have a major girl crush on Emma Stone. She's probably the only red head that makes me feel all warm & tingly inside. Haha okay, down to bidness.. I came across this story on PerezHilton.com and I just had to share it with the rest of the world! Enjoy that ganster yumminess.


Have mercy!!!

Our hands are up! Where's Ryan Gosling's pistol at?! (Mmmm!!!)

Ryan was spotted on the set of his new movie yesterday, The Gangster Squad. In the flick, he plays a cop in the 1940s trying to track down and nab notorious mob boss Mickey Cohen, who will be played by Sean Penn. In case you were wondering, Emma Stone gets to tap that again as his love interest.

Some girls have all the luck!!!

[ image via famepictures / perezhilton.com ]

Dream Land.

Have you ever woke up from a dream & thought, "was that a dream or did that really happen?" That never happens to me. When I wake up from a dream, I just lay there in shock like "why in the world would anyone dream that!!?" This morning was no different. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought to myself where does my mind come up with these things. Went back to sleep, woke up pretty happy & then drifted back into sleep but when I woke up for work I wasn't happy anymore. I sat there like "What. The. Eff."

Surprisingly I still remember a lot of vivid details about my dream from last night. So let me break it down for you. The first part of my dream starts out with me & a friend driving on dirt roads in the country side, looking for my house. Now the friend I'm with is faceless to me, I don't recongize the person but I'm okay with that. It's like I've known them my whole life. Then boom I'm no longer driving, instead I'm in this huge dining room type room the size of a hall. The ceilings are extremely similar to the Sistine Chapel. The whole room is like that, I remember walking through looking at everything, all the details in the walls, supporting poles & ceiling. How high the ceilings were, how much detail was in the art work, the colors were bright but you could tell that it still that look that it's 1000 years old. Someone else was in there. I don't remember seeing them, I just remember knowing that there was someone else in the room & that we were talking to each other.. for some reason my mind was telling me that it could of been my mom.

The next parts are kind of blurry now, but somehow I was now in a living room laying in a pull out couch bed with Vinny from Jersey Shore. There was other people in the living room as well, but I couldn't tell you who exactly. We were all playing card games. After a few games every one left but Vinny, he stayed the night. We woke up the next morning & just lounged around being lazy. Couldn't tell you the stuff we talked about though. Then later in the night a few of my friends came over. The only person I can actually make out is my friend Nick. Every one else are just faceless blurs. Me, Nick & Vinny were standing in the living room where the pull out couch is & we're just talking away when a group of people walk through & there's a lady talking. She's telling every one history facts about the house & I realized that it's a tour to my house. Once they walked out of the room, me & Nick decided it'd be funny to try & scare them. Vinny left at this point (& unfortunately never comes back in my dream.)

So me and Nick run through an old fashioned kitchen. And when I say old fashioned, I mean old stoves that you could only find in a plantation house in Alabama in the 1800s. Just like the one pictured below.
The kitchen led to some wooden stairs that spirled upstairs to the second level. At the landing inbetween the floors was a fake wall that would open like a sliding glass door. We were standing in there, waiting for them to come down the spiral stairs when we heard them all walking down the steps. We jumped out & screamed "rawr" but with no luck. No one got scared. It was extremely unsuccessful. After our attempt at a scare, I decided I wanted to walk upstairs into the attic. I walk by a coffin that was almost glowing, I didn't give it any second thoughts as I walked by though. It was like it was supposed to be there & it was supposed to be glowing?! Then suddenly, my mom popped into my dream & said "lets go shopping." We walked into a room in the attic where there was a tall mirror (sorta like the one from the Harry Potter movies - the Mirror of Erised.) It was a gooey mirror which led into "another world" that was actually more like a Sam's Club or BJ Wholesale but it was of peoples items that they discarded and/or didn't want anymore. So the idea of it, was sorta like a yard sale but set up like a Sam's club. I was running around snatching up anything that was baby related. Toddler seats, high chairs, baby blankets, car seats.. this is everything I was hauling around getting ready to purchase. Then out of no where I see my mom running around like Speedy Gonzales & for some reason I realize that this is a trap, that we're under a spell & it's making us lose sense of time. So I dropped everything I was hauling around and I frantically went to go find the gooey mirror so I could jump through it to take me back to my house.

Now if any of that isn't weird already, the ending of my dream is the kicker. Remember that glowing coffin in the attic? Well when I jumped back throught the gooey mirror, the coffin was no longer glowing. The lid was half on, half off & I could see inside the coffin.. it was empty. The rest of the dream is pretty blurry, everything happened so fast. After I realized the coffin was empty I was suddenly in a frantic panic & started running around the house. I went from the attic to the basement where I was looking out a basement, block window & saw the "creature" that was hunting me. He looked like a cross of the warewolves from the Underworld movies & the Army of Anubis from The Mummy Returns, fully equipped with the axe/sword thing. After I saw the "creature" I woke up, got ready for work & ran out the door. And I can still remember that dream, even weeks after it happened. (This blog took about 2 weeks to successfully write out.) Below are pictures from the 2 movies that my "creature" looked like. He seriously looked just like the warewolf from the Underworld movies, but had all of the army gear & weapons that the warrior from the Army of Anubis in the Mummy Return. Check out the below pictures.


Warrior from the Army of Anubis


Warewolf from the first/second Underworld

Love

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Best Friends

Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along.

The Avengers 2012

I was driving to work today, blasting Rodney Atkins "Take a Back Road" singing along (Rodney is a fine piece of arse by the way.) When the song was done Brian & LeeAnn started talking. (They're the only radio DJ's I'll actually listen to in the mornings.) They started talking about how they have a whole bunch of little spies all over the city catching glimpses of A-List celebrities. I had heard that there was going to be a movie filming in Cleveland, Ohio but I didn't know when or what movie but they packed on the information this morning.

The Avengers is currently filming in Cleveland. Right now they're doing a lot of battle scenes, there's some explosions happening on Euclid Ave. They're also filming on Prospect & E 9th St was chosen as a double for NYC's 42nd Street, they even have NYPD cop cars all over the place. I stole the pictures that Brian & LeeAnn posted of Chris Evans as Captain America (who just so happens to be one of my biggest celebrity crushes)

Click here for The Avengers teaser trailer

I'm not sure when they started filming but I know they're going to be in Cleveland for 4 weeks, there's also a few explosion scenes scheduled to happen at the Chevrolet powertrain plant in Parma, Ohio. I'm a big movie buff so this is very exciting for me. :) I have some time off on Thursday, so I'm trying to go up to Cleveland for an early dinner to see if I can catch any of the filming. I can't wait for the movie to come out. I was already going to see if regardless but now I want to see if I can pinpoint which scenes were filmed in Cleveland.

Flash Back!

Ewwww ewww eww ewwwwww!

I jus read my last "real post." It's from October of LAST year! 1. That's a really long amount of time. 2. It's just a Quotes blog post that I bolded and/or made certain quotes bold & changed the font color to green. I remember making that blog post cuz I wanted to make it known of which quotes that I have/could relate to or that I was currently relating to. There's a few quotes in there that were bold/green that I know exactly who I'm refering to, but there's one quote thats bold & green that just SCREAMS who the quote was for:

The thing about dating a friend is that you've got history.
You've got stories, and laughs that you can talk about.
It's much easier, and better, then starting from scratch

REALLY!? Really. Not cool on my part. I'm currently in the SAME situation I was over A YEAR AGO. What is wrong with me!? Obviously nothing is going in my favor, I need to move on. I need to run, full force in the opposite direction of this guy. I'm sitting here, almost in disgust & utter disappointment right now. However, for me to care for someone this long, just shows that when I do care for someone it's long term. Which is a good characteristic to have I suppose. It's just bitter/sweet situation at the moment.

MIA no more!

Hiiiii :)
I decided to start using this blog again. I deleted the blog I made to replace this one a few weeks (or months?) back. It was fun & refreshing to start from scratch, but I didnt keep up with it. It was really childish of me to want "hide publicly." If someones smart enough to creep & find this. So be it, good for you darlin!

So here's to another new beginning of blogging! YAY :)

YO!

Here's my new blog:

http://behindblueeyeez.blogspot.com/

Follow me? Okay, ready, set.. go!

Did you leave yet? For reals.. go follow me.

I feel as if I'm writing to no one! Actually I am.

So what are you still doing here!?

Followwww my new blog

behind blue eyes ;)

Live YOUR life & LOVE the life YOU live

Makin' Moves.

Hey y'all I made a new blog.
I feel as if this blog may or may not be tainted.
I don't want 2 specific people reading my life stories.
Rather than having my followers un follow me or
have some of them remove their links on their twitter pages,
I thought I'd jus make a new one.

Let me know if you want the linky! ;)
xoxo

Quotes & things.

I know quickly whether a guy is boyfriend material.

If I can have a good time doing absolutely nothing with him,

then that's boyfriend material for me.

Its sweet when someone knows every single detail about you.
Not because you constantly remind them, but because they pay attention.

Sometimes, people fall too hard, too fast, without

knowing it, and when you finally realize you should

move on, it's too late, and your heart is already broken.

When you're still smiling about something

that happened six months ago,

you know there's got to be MORE.

The thing about dating a friend is that you've got history.

You've got stories, and laughs that you can talk about.

It's much easier, and better, then starting from scratch.

The grand essentials to happiness in life are:

something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

This is how it goes. I will respect those who

respect me, and forget those who forget me.

Simple as that.

Just because I finally got over you,

doesn't mean there aren't days when

it all just comes rushing back.

Take nothing but photos.

Leave nothing but footprints.

Kill nothing but time.

Sometimes we expect more from others

because we would be willing to do the same for them.

The road to success is dotted with

many tempting parking places.

I live for those moments when you least expect

the most beautiful thing in the world to happen.

I have come to realize that he is just a guy, a special

one maybe, but he's not mine. I don't need to do things

to make him love me. If he wanted to, he WOULD.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that

you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

I'm not a jealous person, I'm just a girl that would love

to punch every girl in the face that gives you a second look.

Either find a way, or make one.

A best friend is someone who makes your problems their problems,

so you don't have to go through them alone.

We all have stories we will never tell.

Love should be fatal. You should never recover from it. If you can, then it wasn't really love.

Every woman has the exact love life she wants.

- The Wedding Date.

Things always get shaken up right before

something incredible comes together.

Don't be afraid, be excited.

Loving somebody doesn’t make them love you.

I never really needed you, I just liked having you there.

We need friends who will always have our back, but won't always take our side.

"Your heart just breaks, that's all.
But you can't judge,or point fingers.
You just have to be lucky enough
to find someone who appreciates you."
- Audrey Hepburn

There are just certain things in life that are better off unknown.
Things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt.

Jus an average Tuesday night.

I've been sick for pretty much the past month. It got reallly bad, then I got better. Then I suddenly had a sinus invection that turned bad but only lasted about 2 days. I still get ahellalot worse at night time. I'm half-way to being completely miserable. So tonight I decided to have another, stay in .. watch movies .. do some me time type of a night.

My night consists of:

Shower.

Tanning.

Nails.

Popcorn!

Last nights episode of Gossip Girl.

Iron Man 2 in blu-ray.. holla! (If I stay up)

& finally, one on one cuddle time with Mister Bubbs. xoxo

I know you're jealous!

PS. HUGE shout out goes to the person that commented on a very old post of mine! You're AWESOME! :)

Survey.

What were you doing at 4 am?

- Sleeeeeeping.

What's your relationship with the last person you texted?

- BFFE, yo.

What did you do today?

- Woke up, helped the pops cook breakfast for the fam.. now I'm gettin some bloggin' in.

What is the last card game you played?

- Kings. Bahaha

Where are your siblings?

- Upstairs.

Do you want kids?

- Possibly.

Do you have a friend of the opposite gender you can talk to?

- Yessum.

Did you go out or stay in last night?

- Out - Met up with Lauren & Josh at Bru's, then went to Johnny Malloys with Katie & Anamarie.

Last time you saw your parents?

- As I type.

What were your first thoughts this morning?

- "Why can't anyone let me sleep peacefully?!"

Are you a jealous person?

- Yes, but I dismiss my jealousy feelings as fast as I get them.

Do you know anyone who has messed up your life?

- Yes.. and he got to move on with his life while I had to fix all the pieces & put them together by myself.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?

- Some, yes.

Do you believe what goes around comes around?

- Extremely.

One thing you're looking forward to?

- Haunted houses, hay rides, bonfires, pumpkin patches, football, hoodies & sweats, movie nights in, rainy/gloomy days.. etc. I LOVE Fall! xox

What was the last thing you drank?

- Chocolate milk.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?

- In betweeners.

Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?

- Josh.

What is your mood?

- Bitchy.

Do you drink tea?

- Hate it.

Is anyone on your bad side right now?

- People that make it on my bad side aren't important.

Any plans for tomorrow?

- Work :(

How tall are you?

- 5'6ish.. shoes make a difference haha

If you could buy anything, what would it be?

- A house. A new Camaro. An airplane ticket to Europe. I could keep going.

Where is your phone?

- Good question :/

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

- Definitely.

What’s the weather like today?

- Gloomy & chilly. I love it.

Do you have an xbox?

- No sir.

What happened at 3 pm yesterday?

- I was at Belden Village Mall with Lauren & Josh.

Do you shop at hollister?

- Negative.

Are there currently any words printed on the shirt you're wearing?- Yes, Ohio State University & such.

A- Are you an ADULT?

- Legally.

B- What size is your BED?

- Queen xoxo

C- How many CREDIT CARDS do you have?

- 2ish

D- Last time you DANCED?

- It's been awhile.

E- Have you voted in an ELECTION?

- Yes.

F- How are you FEELING today?

- Sickly.

G- What is one of your GOALS?

- Stick to something on my list of goals.

H- Longest job you've HELD?

- Over 5 years.

I- Biggest body INSECURITY?

- Everything.

J- Are you JEALOUS of anyone?

- No.

L- Who is your LOUDEST friend?

- Katie on the cell phone. Lauren in real life.. she echoes.

M- How much MONEY do you have on you right now?

- Zero. I'm in sweats & a tee shirt.

N- Are you NAUGHTY or NICE?

- Both ;)

O- Most expensive thing you OWN?

- My car I suppose.

P- Do you have any PETS?

- Sorta. His name is Bubba Mo.. but he favors my moma more than me. The tratior.

Q- Have you ever QUIT a job or team?

- Yes.

R- What vegetable do you REFUSE to eat?

- Broccoli

S- How do you like your STEAK cooked?

- Medium at a legit steak restaurant and medium rare at other restaurant places.

T- Are your TOES painted?

- You betcha! Dallas Cowboy's blue

U- Whats UNDER your bed?

- Nothing special.

V- How did you celebrate last VALENTINES day?

- Alone.

W- Have you caused a car WRECK?

- Umm.. no?

X- Ever go to XXX websites?

- No.

Y- Most exciting thing to happen this YEAR?

- Still waiting.

Z- Have you watched ZOEY 101?

- No.