Alter Ego

Have you ever looked back a situation and thought to yourself, what if? What if I would have said this & that instead of walking away? What if I walked up to that person at the end of the bar & introduced myself? What if I said yes instead of no?

"What if?"

Every one has asked themselves what if, probably over a thousand times. But what 9 out of 10 people don't realize, is that they had every opportunity to make that "What if?" into a "Why the fuck not!" Majority of people are too scared to realize that they can speak exactly what's on their mind. Maybe they're scared of rejection, maybe their scared of a negative outcome... but mostly people are just scared in general. People think to themselves "I would never say or do that." but hellllooooo you're obviously thinking about it, so why not just say/do whatever is on your mind! Life is too short to live with what if's and regrets. Trust me, you're going to regret everything you DIDN'T do more than something you did.

So here's some advice for you, that I'm passing along from a good friend at work... Create an alter ego for yourself. Make your alter ego into someone that's bold, daring & isn't scared to express themselves. Hell, even give your alter ego a name. For example, Jen might be too scared to straight up ask Aaron why he stopped talking to her all of a sudden, after having such a great time hanging out with each other the past 2 weeks... but Jasmine will cut straight to the point & ask Aaron "what the hell is going on?" Jen might not want to show vulnerability & open up an area of her heart that will most likely be crushed again... but Jasmine needs to know if she's wasting her time. Jen might be too scared to show interest in Aaron when all signs point to Aaron not being interested in her anymore... but Jasmine doesn't care about the signs, she deserves to know if this guy likes her so she's going to ask him to hang out again. Jen might play on team safe where the game goes into never ending innings... but Jasmine gives her players 3 strikes & moves on to the next game.

Your alter ego can come out whenever you want them to. There's no rules or a list of do's & don'ts. You can even blame things on your alter ego. "Sorry Abi, Jasmine wanted that 5th shot of Jamison last night, not Jen." or "Jasmine didn't want to sleep alone last night so she spent the night with her ex boyfriend, don't worry, Jen is going to lecture her later." Every one needs an alter ego. So whether you use your alter ego to blame your mistakes on something or to say whats on your mind... at least your one step closer to living your life with less regrets than you were yesterday.

It's been a while.

Look, I haven't sat down & wrote a blog in a long, long time. So I have a feeling that this post is going to be all over the place, so if there's someone reading this please be patient with me. I feel.. lost. Dazed and confused. I don't know how to snap out of this, I've never been this far gone. I can't even begin to explain or pin point a specific situation or time that it got this bad. Sometimes I just want a friend that I can sit down and bare all to, but even when the time comes to have a heart to heart with a friend I hold so much back. Plus I don't like showing my vulnerability side. But there's so much that's been bothering me lately I had to find a way to talk about it, even if I'm just talking to myself.

The first thing is, re-reading all my old posts makes me realize two things, one I still haven't moved on with my life in any aspect & two, the years are seriously starting to blur together. Things that happened in 2010 feel like just happened 2 weeks ago. But then again something else that happened in 2010 I feel like happened 5 years ago. It's so weird. I get so mad & upset when I realize that I haven't changed anything in my life in YEARS. I've been seriously thinking of going to talk to a therapist or something, maybe they will be able to help me make the changes I need to make. At least they'll listen to me, even if I am paying them to listen to me talk.

I've come to realize that I'm so afraid of change and getting close to someone that will most likely leave me has seriously effected me in ways I never thought could be altered. I'm extremely scared of commitment. I will chase after a guy I know will not give me 2 minutes of his day because I feel like that's the best thing for me. Heaven forbid if a guy that wants to date me starts showing that he's catching serious feelings for me, I will run & I will push that guy out of my life so fast & so far away there wont ever be a chance for an "us" in this life or the next. I haven't had a serious boyfriend in like 5 years. That's a long ass time.. A LONG ASS TIME. It's hard to have had love in your life for so long, then have to learn to live without love in your life when all you want is to have love in your life. Did that even make sense? I'm sick and tired of being alone.

I get annoyed when my friends get too close to me and want to know every detail about my life. I can't even post something on twitter without IMMEDIATELY getting asked about it. Like, I feel like I'm being smothered. And when I get annoyed by someone I push them out of my life. I hate that I can so easily, and effortlessly push someone out of my life. Someone that I talk to every day that I consider to be my best friend & I just wake up one morning & decide that I don't want them in my life anymore so I take them out of my life... I mean seriously, that can't be normal. I've been trying desperately to not let myself push anyone else out of my life & I've recently tried to re-kindle some friendships with no luck, but no hard feelings from my end. I wouldn't wanna be friends with me again either.

There's plenty of other things that have been bothering me, but thankfully all this writing has made me really tired. I haven't been sleeping good recently. Insomnia has taken over my nights, so I'm definitely going to take this opportunity of tiredness I'm feeling any try to go to sleep. Fingers crossed that my mind doesn't race a mile a minute.