Look, I haven't sat down & wrote a blog in a long, long time. So I have a feeling that this post is going to be all over the place, so if there's someone reading this please be patient with me. I feel.. lost. Dazed and confused. I don't know how to snap out of this, I've never been this far gone. I can't even begin to explain or pin point a specific situation or time that it got this bad. Sometimes I just want a friend that I can sit down and bare all to, but even when the time comes to have a heart to heart with a friend I hold so much back. Plus I don't like showing my vulnerability side. But there's so much that's been bothering me lately I had to find a way to talk about it, even if I'm just talking to myself.
The first thing is, re-reading all my old posts makes me realize two things, one I still haven't moved on with my life in any aspect & two, the years are seriously starting to blur together. Things that happened in 2010 feel like just happened 2 weeks ago. But then again something else that happened in 2010 I feel like happened 5 years ago. It's so weird. I get so mad & upset when I realize that I haven't changed anything in my life in YEARS. I've been seriously thinking of going to talk to a therapist or something, maybe they will be able to help me make the changes I need to make. At least they'll listen to me, even if I am paying them to listen to me talk.
I've come to realize that I'm so afraid of change and getting close to someone that will most likely leave me has seriously effected me in ways I never thought could be altered. I'm extremely scared of commitment. I will chase after a guy I know will not give me 2 minutes of his day because I feel like that's the best thing for me. Heaven forbid if a guy that wants to date me starts showing that he's catching serious feelings for me, I will run & I will push that guy out of my life so fast & so far away there wont ever be a chance for an "us" in this life or the next. I haven't had a serious boyfriend in like 5 years. That's a long ass time.. A LONG ASS TIME. It's hard to have had love in your life for so long, then have to learn to live without love in your life when all you want is to have love in your life. Did that even make sense? I'm sick and tired of being alone.
I get annoyed when my friends get too close to me and want to know every detail about my life. I can't even post something on twitter without IMMEDIATELY getting asked about it. Like, I feel like I'm being smothered. And when I get annoyed by someone I push them out of my life. I hate that I can so easily, and effortlessly push someone out of my life. Someone that I talk to every day that I consider to be my best friend & I just wake up one morning & decide that I don't want them in my life anymore so I take them out of my life... I mean seriously, that can't be normal. I've been trying desperately to not let myself push anyone else out of my life & I've recently tried to re-kindle some friendships with no luck, but no hard feelings from my end. I wouldn't wanna be friends with me again either.
There's plenty of other things that have been bothering me, but thankfully all this writing has made me really tired. I haven't been sleeping good recently. Insomnia has taken over my nights, so I'm definitely going to take this opportunity of tiredness I'm feeling any try to go to sleep. Fingers crossed that my mind doesn't race a mile a minute.
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Hey Jenner,
ReplyDeleteIndeed it has been quite some time. Welcome back, even if the reason for being back is adverse circumstances. I recently broke up with a girl that I really loved and it was really hard -- After reaching out to some friends (even some that I met through my blog) one in particular told me, remember to be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to hurt, allow yourself to not be yourself for a bit. And sometimes, the years pass and like you said, we realize we haven't changed much, or haven't gone the way we wanted it to. It sounds like there might be some real soul searching to do, and obviously I don't know the details, but I wouldn't worry too much about the love thing.
I think everybody wants love in their life, whether it's through friends or family or significant others. Often it seems to happen when we least expect it, not even looking for it.
On the therapy thing, I kinda use my blog for that actually. I share everything on there and have made some great friendships there that I really treasure. It's okay to want to be a little more private, but it helps if you open up a little to your friends I think -- makes them feel wanted and needed, and I'm sure all they want to do is to help. They are probably just concerned, so don't be afraid to cut them a little slack. In terms of the ones who you are trying to rekindle friendship with, don't give up. But explaining to them some things that are going on that have made it difficult to be a good friend might help.
Finally, if there's anything you ever need, feel free to get in touch. You may not know me, but the way I see it, Blogger has always provided me with a sort of family that supports and encourages and loves, and I love that support system, and I'm only trying to pay it forward. My contact info is on my blog (asmallpieceofgodsplan.blogspot.com).
In the meantime, I'll add you to my daily prayers list, and I hope that in some time that we might be able that you are doing better.
PS -- people aren't measured by the significant others that come and go in their lives. They are measured by the person that they are, inside and out, and the difference they make in their own lives and others'. I'd say you're doing quite alright; you don't need a boy to make you whole!