24.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! :)

Dear Santa.

Dear Santa,
I only want one thing for Christmas. I already asked my parents, they said no. So now I leave my hope with you. I want a new kitten for Christmas. I need a snuggle buddy. I miss my Soco, she ALWAYS slept with me, she'd race me up the stairs. She even met me at the door when I would come home. I miss her dearly and need a replacement now. So if you could put a kitten underneath my Christmas tree, maybe with a cute bow, that'd be awesome!

Love,

Jenner xoxo

I'm a genius.

I'm pissed. I'm livid. I'm SO mad at myself. I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm confused. I'm disappointed. I'm crazy flustered. I lost my appetite. I can't believe I was right. Why do I gotta be such a freaking genius? Why am I SO good at reading people & situations? I wish I was as naive as people seem to think I am, but I'm not. I SO called it. This dude I know IS talking to some other chick, and for him to admit that to someone, basically means they're about to start dating. Have fun with your new girl. Better not bring her around me, I don't plan on being even the least bit nice to her. Fuck her, fuck you. I know who I'm using my Voodoo doll on now. Good thing it just randomly found itself the other day. Don't judge me.

PS. Kenny & Danny said they'd move out with me, if I bought a house. I now have two missions in life at the moment.

Current Obsessions.

Down.

Ever notice when you expect something to happen, it never does? Most of the time things come up outta no where, when you least expect them to. Do you think you just think things happen when you least expect them to because you weren't thinking about it the moment it happened, or do you think things only happen when you stop thinking about them constantly? I've always been one to set expectations without even realizing I do it, then I get so disappointed when something doesn't go the way I thought it would. Some times I'll play things out in my head so many times, so many different ways that I know whatever it was I was thinking about WILL go the way I want it to. Then, surprise-surprise it goes a way I never even thought about, and it's never in my favor. I truly, honestly, completely believe in the saying "No expectations, No disappointments." But it's so hard not to have a sense of some sort of expectations, no matter in what aspect of your life. I hate being disappointed. Lately, I've been disappointed way too many times, way too often.. & way more than I've wanted.

All of me just wants to start over, start fresh.. erase my past from my mind & my heart. Some say that's more easy said than done. But actually it's not hard for me to "erase" my past. I'm good at it. I've done it many times, I just NEVER stick to it. I can erase things from my mind.. memories, thoughts, ideas, things I'm supposed to be doing or supposed to do in the future.. and so on. I've even erased a couple people out of my life before, and that's actually the easiest thing for me to do, especially if you don't want them in your life anymore. The one thing I can't seem to erase out of my mind or my heart is feelings. Not so much feelings for someone or something, but just feelings in general. Like that feeling of security, the feeling that you're loved from head to toe..inside & out, the wanted feeling, feeling important for something or to someone, sad feelings, happy feelings, confused feelings..etc. What I really wanna do when I start "fresh" is erase all the previous said "feelings" and seriously & honestly start "fresh."

Half of me wants to erase all the phone numbers out of my phone. The other half of me just wants to turn my phone completely off, delete myspace & facebook. Basically cut myself off from the world, and see who sticks around. But I won't. There's no way I'll delete my myspace & facebook, it'd be a stupid move on my part because I'd be going to re-make it in prolly a day or two. So I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I doubt I'll do anything before 2010 starts, but I know once 2010 does start there's going to be so many changes in my life. Big and small, in so many different aspects of my life too. I wanna say I'm excited, but I'm not. I'm more scared than anything. But I wanna fall in love with MY life.

Monday Mania.

Today was definitely a different kind of Monday. It wasn't slow, or boring. It didn't drag or go really fast. It was annoying and crazy. I woke up to snow actually sticking to the ground & my car for the first time this Winter season. But it was that dust type of snow, it jus drifted across the roadways. I didn't think it was slippery at all until a car cut me off and made me slam on my breaks and I was fish-tailin' it down RT 8, that was fun! NOT! I didn't wreck or hit anyone AND I got to work on time, so everything seemed to work out this morning.

Later in the work day I ran into this dude named Ryan. He told me that he heard I tried to get a mutual friend of ours ass beat on Friday night. That sorta, basically, REALLY pissed me off. Now, a lot more than earlier, cuz I'm realizing that Chris (the mutual friend) was talking about me. Fucker. All I did was ask him to come to my friend Kenny's house for a party on Friday night. Kenny actually called him to see if he was gonna come out, and Chris thought I was setting him up to get his ass beat?! He said he's never known a guy who actually wanted more guys to come to another guys party. That sure doesn't say much of the guys that Chris knows, jeeezus. I was mad & definitely said something to Chris. He repeatedly said that he didn't think I would do something like that, but that he thought maybe I was too naive to realize what they were trying to do?! REALLY! I'm not stupid and I don't let my friends mess with anyone that I'm truly friends with. Basically I decided he's just an idiot, for thinking that. Then there was a couple more events AT WORK that made me think of stupid Highschool drama games, it was completely ridiculous! It actually made me laugh to myself a couple times, people are such idiots lately.

But on a brighter note, today was Monday, December 7th.. which means there is 7 days til my birthday. But I can start celebrating this Wednesday or Thursday. I'm getting excited, even if I don't want to turn a whole-nother year older. :( I jus hope my birthday is AWESOME and I make it thru without any tears this year. That's my goal.

Happy December!

So it's now the month of December. Where exactly did the year 2009 go? I don't think a full year has ever gone by so quickly. I don't know what to do. I can't believe its already December! There's 13 days til my birthday, and I'm freaking out. I don't want to turn 24 years old, I wish I was turning 22 again! I hate knowing that I've spent over a year 110% single, and I'm gonna be bringing in another birthday, for the second year in a row, alone. Then Christmas will be here, then New Years and ughhhhh.. I'm so sick of going through life ALONE. You can think I'm pathetic or whatever, I don't care. But you try being dependent on someone for 5 years and then not having that security, the love, that closest best friend ever-ness in your life to get you through each day. I hate being alone, it's a fear! Seriously. I absolutely LOVE my birthday. I love the fact that it's a day all about me. But it sucks when I don't have someone to make it all about me.

You know that saying "I threw away the key to my heart?" Well FUCK that saying! I locked my heart up, welded 20 ft of metal around my heart and just didn't throw the key away, I shattered that bitch into dust and let it blow away in the wind. You can't get hurt if you don't let someone in. NO expectations, NO disappointments!

I saw two shooting stars within 3 days! My first shooting star I saw, I made a wish & I already know it ain't coming true. But the shooting star I saw today, and made a wish on.. I'm going to pray every night that it comes true. I deserve that wish to come true!

There's not a day that goes by that I don't remember why I love my friends so much. They get me, they know me inside & out. They know all my moods, my facial expressions. They know when I'm mad, sad, happy & nervous. They basically can read my mind, even when I don't even know what my mind is telling me. They'll do everything and anything for me. Without them I don't know how I'd make it from day to day. I cherish every single one of them. I cherish every single moment I have with them. I cherish their friendship & I never want to lose them. If any of you are reading this, I LOVE YOU! Thank you :)

Over the next few weeks, things are going to get hectic! But I'm excited :) Next week starts my best friend Kyla's birthday celebrations, which we include my birthday in. The following week I have a 3-day weekend because my birthday is on a Monday. Then the next week after that is Christmas! Then comes New Years! Then I get the chance to start fresh! 2010 WILL be my year. I WILL make it the best year of my life! Hopefully I bring in right & with a HUGE bang!

xoxoxo