Down.

Ever notice when you expect something to happen, it never does? Most of the time things come up outta no where, when you least expect them to. Do you think you just think things happen when you least expect them to because you weren't thinking about it the moment it happened, or do you think things only happen when you stop thinking about them constantly? I've always been one to set expectations without even realizing I do it, then I get so disappointed when something doesn't go the way I thought it would. Some times I'll play things out in my head so many times, so many different ways that I know whatever it was I was thinking about WILL go the way I want it to. Then, surprise-surprise it goes a way I never even thought about, and it's never in my favor. I truly, honestly, completely believe in the saying "No expectations, No disappointments." But it's so hard not to have a sense of some sort of expectations, no matter in what aspect of your life. I hate being disappointed. Lately, I've been disappointed way too many times, way too often.. & way more than I've wanted.

All of me just wants to start over, start fresh.. erase my past from my mind & my heart. Some say that's more easy said than done. But actually it's not hard for me to "erase" my past. I'm good at it. I've done it many times, I just NEVER stick to it. I can erase things from my mind.. memories, thoughts, ideas, things I'm supposed to be doing or supposed to do in the future.. and so on. I've even erased a couple people out of my life before, and that's actually the easiest thing for me to do, especially if you don't want them in your life anymore. The one thing I can't seem to erase out of my mind or my heart is feelings. Not so much feelings for someone or something, but just feelings in general. Like that feeling of security, the feeling that you're loved from head to toe..inside & out, the wanted feeling, feeling important for something or to someone, sad feelings, happy feelings, confused feelings..etc. What I really wanna do when I start "fresh" is erase all the previous said "feelings" and seriously & honestly start "fresh."

Half of me wants to erase all the phone numbers out of my phone. The other half of me just wants to turn my phone completely off, delete myspace & facebook. Basically cut myself off from the world, and see who sticks around. But I won't. There's no way I'll delete my myspace & facebook, it'd be a stupid move on my part because I'd be going to re-make it in prolly a day or two. So I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I doubt I'll do anything before 2010 starts, but I know once 2010 does start there's going to be so many changes in my life. Big and small, in so many different aspects of my life too. I wanna say I'm excited, but I'm not. I'm more scared than anything. But I wanna fall in love with MY life.